Stuck?

Today I got news of a failure (assessment of some sort) I've been trying to overcome for over a year. Its like no matter how many times I try to succeed, I continue to fail. 

Then today, I felt like my world came crashing down again. If you know me, you will know I am literally my worst critic. Sometimes I play it off like I am in fear of my sister's reaction, but in the end of the day. I am the one who will continue to judge myself. 

After feeling miserable, my sister sent me a blog post (Seth's Blog) called Stuck?

This is a the post (Credit: Seth's Blog: Stuck?)

Stuck?

It might not be because you can't find the right answer.

It's almost certainly because you're asking the wrong question.

The more aggressively you redefine the problem, the more likely it is you're going to solve it.

The most successful people I know got that way by ignoring the race to find the elusive, there's-only-one-and-no-one-has-found-it right answer and instead had the guts to look at the infinite landscape of choices and pick a better problem instead.

After I found out that I failed again, all I could think about was how could I do this again? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? 

It hit me. I was always asking the wrong question. The answer was right in front of me. The question was simple. What are you living for now?

If you looked at my life 10 years ago, you would have easily said this girl knows the truth. She knows something the world doesn't know. She holds the secret to a satisfied life. 

Slowly with each experience, my faith never changed. I still till this day believe and know that the truth, the way, and the light is Jesus. I know that I can't live without him. What's changed is my heart. Its like my relationship changed from longing to live for his Glory and replaced with mine own desires. 

The solution is simply, about face. Turning away from my desires and turning towards God. Focus on what matters. Trust God to do what he does best and everything else will be follow. 

So much greater

Becoming a grown up means making choices. In a world were choices are endless, we as humans fear making the wrong one. The truth is if we're trusting God with all these decisions, we would always be making the right choice.

So where does this disconnect occur? Where do we stop trusting and start making the wrong choices?

This past Sunday, I got to hear a simple message of stop and listening to God. The fact is we are running from Him that we don't realize we're running to the wrong choice. I wish I could say I was the good daughter who was always obedient and listen to God with every choice I made, but the truth is far from it. I've made so many more choices on my own, that God had to teach me time and time again that I need to trust Him. If you were to follow my life, you would be able to pin point every wrong turn I've taken and every turn I had to take to get back on track. I life line is not one straight line, but instead filled with many loops and scribbles. So here I am at another turning point in my life, the next step will change my life forever. The idea of making the decision in the past seemed so simple and yet now it's become one of the most complicated decisions in my life. What to do? I know what I need to do, I know that I need to run to God's arm and hug Him until He points me to the right decision. So what's holding me back? I have no clue. At this point, I can only pray and know that God is embracing me. That in my moment of weakness, He's there waiting. He's holding on tightly for the both of us. Maybe all it took was to acknowledge he's there.

So here I am, knowing you are sitting with me. Waiting.

Jars of Clay - Love song for a Savior.
It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

"my heart beats for You"

He's Relational...

2010 was a hard year. In the midst of all the madness, I was finally able to come to terms with my issues as the year ended. I leaning on God. My God. The one who loves me, the one who knows whats best for me, and the one who can comfort me. I was foolishly rationalizing everything digger myself into a pit of darkness.

But as I reached up, God was right there. He was showing me that I will be okay. I do what he tells me to do and he will take care of the rest. I know that without him, I am nothing. I know that with him, I am everything.

So this year, I have decided I'm going to be stuck on him like glue.

The Waiting Game

In this time of uncertainty, it easy to get antsy and jump the gun.

The feeling I have hated the most in this life in not knowing what lies ahead. I have been a born planner but God has made sure that my story isn't written by me but Him.

I have stolen the spotlight and ran with the pen so I could get my edits and rewrites in. But now for the first time in my life, I'm completely helpless. I can only rely on Him for my future and it scares me everyday. I know that I will be okay and I know that God will provide but my human mind struggles to grasp that I can not do anything.

I know that if I lean on God's understanding and not my own I will be okay. It's all a waiting game. Patience is key. I keep thinking of Daniel and how he had to pray for 21 days straight night and day for him to finally receive his answer. The difference with Daniel and myself, other than the fact he was one really holy dude, but during this time he cried out and prayed to give the Angel strength to reach him with the answer. I on the other hand have been struggling with fasting each week. I realize that this all comes down to me. How am I seeking God is all this? How am I truly crying out? The truth is I even need help in this as well. So here's me confessing, I need help in it all, not just the future but now in the midst of silence.

God I need you now. Help me.

Take My Hand

Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You're what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You

Without You I'm so alone
I am weak but You are strong
You pick me up when I'm falling down
And I am crying
Out to You inside of my heart
I need You, Lord, oh so, for the part
I want You to have my life, Jesus

Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You're what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You

I fall to my knees
And I'm begging You, please, oh, Lord
Won't You change me
Make me new from the inside out
I want to shout out Your name

Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You're what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You

I NEED YOU

By Shawn McDonald

Growing up and Trusting God

Recently Life has turned to an interesting game of nerves.

I have always been the planner and determined individual but lately I have found myself scare and completely unaware of what step to take next. I'm finally growing up. As I finish up my graduate program, I realized that I must become a serious member of society and get a "grown up job." Up to now, I have spent my life as a career student but the time is coming where I have to prove to the world that I have actually can use my brains to benefit society.

In the midst of all of this insecurity, I find hope. I've been here before, I have been the scared little child who has no idea what to do next. The amazing news is that I have an amazing Father in heaven. I have been blessed with amazing parents at home, but there is a greater sense of Joy that comes from knowing that I can always run into the arms of God.

God created the world in six days, I pretty sure He can create an awesome future for me. After all I am named after Queen Esther. I was destined for greatness. ;)

In all seriousness, I have been extremely blessed throughout the years. In all my years of planning and trying to fit God into my plan, I have found this time and time again that God is way better at writing my story than I am. His is a story of love while mine is a story of pride. I think Jeremiah 29:11 says it best. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So as I continue this season of dependence on the almighty one, I can only hold on to his wonderful promises. I trust that GOD has plans for me that are greater than I could have ever imagined. I think I am finally becoming an adult. Maybe.

Breaking the Filter

I must admit that in the midst of the busyness/laziness, I started to silence God. I was always aware of his presence, but I choose to ignore him. It's like I was drowning and instead of reaching out for help I started to just swallow loads of water hoping that I would eventually surface. Here's a hint, that will never work.

So over half a year later, I come to a point where God is just yelling at me to pay attention. Every where I look, He's there and I would just look pass him as if there's a perception filter.

In the beginning of July, I was visiting NYC with Annie to see my older sister n her new hubby. So all of us got to go visit a new church while we were there and the pastor decided to talk about suffering. Sometimes in our lives, we must experience suffering for us to see God.

After the talk, God's voice started piercing through. It wasn't until today, that the perception filter was completely gone and I could see God shouting at me to get my attention. I always knew that God was the answer to all of my problems, but for some reason I choose to ignore what I knew.

Once, you acknowledge Him standing right in front of you. There is nothing he won't fix. I still have a long way to go, but there is always comfort in knowing that I got a companion on the way no matter what.

"God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us." (Acts 17:27 NIV)